Review: Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem - Directed by the Brothers Strause
Rated R for violence and language

How does one choose between two steaming and equally rancid piles of shit? No matter which you choose, you're still stuck holding a runny mess. I never thought I'd be saying this, but after seeing Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem, I think I like Paul WS Anderson's 2004 AvP more.

In AvP-R, the war between two of cinema's most recognizable aliens continues. After a hybrid 'predalien' causes a predator space ship to crash land outside a small Colorado town, escaped facehuggers quickly go to work turning the village residents into hosts for alien chestbursters. After receiving his comrades distress signal, however, a lone predator badass races to Earth to clean the mess up. A shit storm soon develops.

What a cluster-fuck of a movie this is. I have honestly never felt so simultaneously disgusted, bored, and confused during any movie in recent memory. In nearly every possible way, AvP-R was a complete failure and an all time low for both of these veteran and fan-favorite franchises.

During production, the directing duo of brothers Colin and and Greg Strause assured fans that their take on the AvP mythos would be everything that Paul Anderson's movie wasn't. So let's see how they compare:

~Characters.

In their respective movies, both the Alien and Predator franchises have featured some of the most recognizable and memorable characters of any scifi/horror/action film. From Sigourney Weaver's Ripley to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dutch, the human characters have been a staple of greatness. In AvP-R, the cast is a soul numbing collection of unlikable cliches from an angsty teenage pizza delivery boy to a returning convict with a troubled past. In comparison, AvP's cast of private security, oil drillers, and archaeologists at least provided the predators some worth competition. Although neither AvP film had a cast on par with any others in the series, AvP-R was by far the worst for the inclusion of little kids and a teen drama side plot.

~Dialog.

Both film's dialog blows chunks. In this respect, they are a tie in crappiness.

~Setting.

AvP had a transformable pyramid in Antarctica. AvP-R had the sewers and forest of a small town. Both get negative points for taking place on current-day Earth, but between the two I'd say AvP has an edge for at least trying to capture the look and feel of the comics.

~Violence.

The Alien and Predator films are no stranger to violence. So many fans were turned off to AvP then for taking the PG-13 route and featuring a 'clean' (i.e. bloodless) chestburster scene. AvP-R attempts to rectify this by throwing in as many unnecessary gore shots as possible. Aliens meets gore porn? No thank you.

~Effects.

Say what you will about Paul Anderson's AvP, but the man-in-a-suit shots of the alien creature were some of the best the franchise has ever seen. Also, it featured the return of the alien queen. AvP-R relies more heavily on CGI and features the ribbed-head design for the alien featured in Aliens. However, they look far cheaper and less threatening than James Cameron's creatures. The Stauses are no Stan Winston. Though on the plus side, the predator in AvP-R looks less like a football linebacker compared to AvP.

I'm not quite sure how they managed to pull it off, but AvP-R is the worst possible AvP story imaginable. To think that these monsters were once directed by icons the likes of Ridley Scott and James Cameron makes me physically ill. AvP-R is an ulcer-inducing waste dump of childish storytelling, amateurish filmmaking, and franchise killing mindlessness that is only marginally more enjoyable than being kicked in the gonads.

Rating: 2 / 5 (4/10, 40%)