Review: Rambo - Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Rated R for extreme war violence, strong language, and sexual abuse

Sylvester Stallone's Rambo wasn't screened to critics. Do you want to know why? It's because this movie is so fucking hardcore that those artsy pricks would get their throats ripped out by the sheer badassness of it all.

Despite being older than the rest of the cast by a solid 20+ years, Sylvester Fucking Stallone delivers so much death to so many people in this movie that he makes today's crop of whiny wannabe action 'stars' look like Meryl Streep. I'm not even fooling around, here. Rambo literally chops a guy nearly in half with a homemade cleaver. And his skills with a bow and arrow? Fuck me. Makes Legolas look like even more of a pansy. He has maybe six lines of dialog--including such gems of manliness as "Fuck the world..."--but by presence alone Stallone shines as a bastion of kickassery.

So here's the story: Do-good Christian missionaries want to sneak into war-torn Burma and deliver some medical supplies. Quite fortunately, the person they find to drive a boat for them happens to be mother-fucking Rambo. So after they get captured by the Burmese army, it's up to Rambo and a team of take-no-shit mercenaries to rescue them. Even with 20-1 odds, them Burmese are in a world of fucking hurt.

As far as I can tell, the moral of this movie is that you listen to whatever the hell Rambo tells you. If only they did what he asks, at least a hundred fuckers wouldn't have died. Also, there might have been some kind of violence begets violence plot in there somewhere, but I was too blinded by the groin-kickingly awesome violence to pay much attention.

This ain't no Live Free or Die Hard. PG-13 action flicks can eat shit and die for all I care, because Rambo's R rating is the only thing harder than Stallone's surprisingly buff physique. The realism of the war violence puts shit like Saving Private Ryan to shame. Rambo fucking takes on an entire army battalion with a 50 cal. machine gun...and by the time the battle is over, it's literally covered in guts and brain matter. So many people get their shit utterly ruined in this movie that it almost makes you feel bad for the savage rapists Rambo slaughters.

And I hope you're not too attached to your ear drums, because odds are you're going to loose them during Rambo. This is a loud fucking movie. Pistols sound like mortars, mortars sound like nukes, and a Barrett sniper rifle will likely clear up any chest congestion you may have.

Straight up, movies like this simply are no longer made. It took a relic of 80s action to bring us this relic of action cinema. Well fucking done, Stallone. If you are an American male, go see this damn movie right now. And even if you're not, you'll probably be one by the end.

Rating: 4.5 / 5 (9/10 90%)