The K-Files - Not So Esoteric

Be careful what you wish for.

There was a time that I was a vocal supporter of our favorite esoteric subjects. I would tell co-workers all about Alex Jones' Bohemian Grove infiltration or the details about the latest UFO flaps across the country. It wasn't enough that I found these topics interesting, I felt a desire--nay, a need--to get others interested in them as well. A great disservice was being perpetrated, I reasoned, if I allowed these important events to go unexamined by the mainstream.

That was the old me. The new me wants to keep it all to myself. Like the selfish cabals of Los Illuminati that I once spoke out against, I want to keep the esoteric exactly that...esoteric...Full Article.

Review: Rambo - Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Rated R for extreme war violence, strong language, and sexual abuse

Sylvester Stallone's Rambo wasn't screened to critics. Do you want to know why? It's because this movie is so fucking hardcore that those artsy pricks would get their throats ripped out by the sheer badassness of it all.

Despite being older than the rest of the cast by a solid 20+ years, Sylvester Fucking Stallone delivers so much death to so many people in this movie that he makes today's crop of whiny wannabe action 'stars' look like Meryl Streep. I'm not even fooling around, here. Rambo literally chops a guy nearly in half with a homemade cleaver. And his skills with a bow and arrow? Fuck me. Makes Legolas look like even more of a pansy. He has maybe six lines of dialog--including such gems of manliness as "Fuck the world..."--but by presence alone Stallone shines as a bastion of kickassery.

So here's the story: Do-good Christian missionaries want to sneak into war-torn Burma and deliver some medical supplies. Quite fortunately, the person they find to drive a boat for them happens to be mother-fucking Rambo. So after they get captured by the Burmese army, it's up to Rambo and a team of take-no-shit mercenaries to rescue them. Even with 20-1 odds, them Burmese are in a world of fucking hurt.

As far as I can tell, the moral of this movie is that you listen to whatever the hell Rambo tells you. If only they did what he asks, at least a hundred fuckers wouldn't have died. Also, there might have been some kind of violence begets violence plot in there somewhere, but I was too blinded by the groin-kickingly awesome violence to pay much attention.

This ain't no Live Free or Die Hard. PG-13 action flicks can eat shit and die for all I care, because Rambo's R rating is the only thing harder than Stallone's surprisingly buff physique. The realism of the war violence puts shit like Saving Private Ryan to shame. Rambo fucking takes on an entire army battalion with a 50 cal. machine gun...and by the time the battle is over, it's literally covered in guts and brain matter. So many people get their shit utterly ruined in this movie that it almost makes you feel bad for the savage rapists Rambo slaughters.

And I hope you're not too attached to your ear drums, because odds are you're going to loose them during Rambo. This is a loud fucking movie. Pistols sound like mortars, mortars sound like nukes, and a Barrett sniper rifle will likely clear up any chest congestion you may have.

Straight up, movies like this simply are no longer made. It took a relic of 80s action to bring us this relic of action cinema. Well fucking done, Stallone. If you are an American male, go see this damn movie right now. And even if you're not, you'll probably be one by the end.

Rating: 4.5 / 5 (9/10 90%)

It's finally here, Cloverfield has found us.

Adjectives like "intense" and "visceral" are thrown around quite a lot in movie reviews. By design, movies are trying to elicit an emotion from the audience, so should a monster movie fail to be intense, it would be an altogether failed endeavor. No worries here, though. Matt Reeves' Cloverfield is every bit as "intense" as the dictionary would have it defined. Last week I detailed the film's extensive viral advertising campaign, now it's time for the full review.

It goes without saying, I'm about to spoil this sucker more than the hot summer sun on a cup of yogurt. Read at your own risk.

The Blair Witch Project was released almost a full decade ago. Considering its low budget/high profit formula of handheld, mock home movie filmmaking, it's surprising to me that it has taken this long for studios to attempt a mass-market follow up. Love or hate this style of uber shaky, down in it camera work, director Matt Reeves' Cloverfield has proven that it still has potential for both commercial and critical success.

In Cloverfield, a going away party for everyone's main dude, Rob (Michael Stahl-David), turns into a nightmare after a giant monster begins assaulting New York City. As the panicked citizens attempt to flee the midtown hell, Rob, his best friend, his almost sister in law, and a random party goer trek towards the creature in an attempt to save Rob's one time girlfriend who he is apparently still in love with. Their terrifying journey is captured on film via a camcorder they take along because, as it's put it in the film, "Someone will want to see how it all went down."

At first glance, one might think Cloverfield is just another throw away teen horror flick where a group of clichéd and highly unlikable punks get picked off one by one by some supernatural entity (see Aliens Vs. Predator - Requiem), but thankfully this couldn't be further from the truth. I must admit that I was starting to get scared at the beginning there...not because of the suspense of knowing all kinds of death was about to go down, but because it felt like I was watching some hipster's home movies. If I wanted lame reality, I'd watch some lame reality TV show. Before this "Baaaw, the girl I love is with another person" fest can overstay its welcome however, the ground starts shaking and the Statue of Liberty head is flying through the air. Heck yeah.

I will say this, though...the cast of pretty, 20-something, relatively no-name actors is a lot more likable than to be expected. With no recognizable faces to found, the illusion that you are watching an unscripted social gathering is rarely broken. Moreover, despite the occasional, obligatory tension-breaking attempts at comedy, the dialog between the actors comes off mostly as extemporaneous and complete with natural 'um' and 'uh' pauses.

Alright then, the camerawork--how does it work? The answer is surprisingly well. With stories flying around of viewers getting nauseous and throwing up because of it, I will say that the handheld way this movie is shot is definitely not for everyone. If you complained about the shaky cam style featured in recent action films like The Bourne Ultimatum, you're going to be outraged with Cloverfield. Though on the upchuck scale, I'd say Beowulf with the 3D glasses was far worse. And plus, it isn't long before you forget about the gimmick and lose yourself in the intensity of the plot and special effects.

Yes, this style of filmmaking is a gimmick. Would Cloverfield be just as good were it shot traditionally? Probably not. It certainly wouldn't have received as much hype or created this much controversy if it had. In the same way 2006's A Scanner Darkly wouldn't be as entertaining without its 'rotoscoped' style, Cloverfield will rub film-as-art purists the wrong way. But when a gimmick adds as much flavor and originality to a movie as this does, I can look past any shortcomings in plot or design that it may be trying to cover up.

By now you probably want to know what the damn monster looks like. I wish I could describe it to you, but doing so would be about as futile as describing a Rorschach blob. With so many fake concept sketches having made their way around the 'net in the weeks prior to its release, I went into Cloverfield with a pretty good idea of what to expect from the monster...and wow was I completely and utterly wrong. Because of the first-person perspective, you're never given a very clear view of the creature for any meaningful period of time, but from the look of it, it’s a twisted amalgam of limbs and features ripped from Earthly creatures with no real pattern. To make it even more dangerous, smaller Starship Troopers wannabe bug things fall off of its back...a bite from which will cause the victim to explode for some reason. In the movie the thing is described as "something terrible." I say it's ugly as sin. In either case, it’s a shrieking mess of a monster as far from Godzilla's likable cuteness as possible.

Though in the vein of M. Night Shyamalan's Signs, the monster isn't so much the core of Cloverfield's story. Akin to the Shaun of the Dead formula, it's a love story that just so happens to have a giant monster kicking the shit out of the city. Alright, the monster may not be that unimportant, but there is an extreme lack of information presented about its origin and motivation. For those that didn't follow any of the viral ad campaigns prior to watching (detailed in my part 1 Preview), you will be just as lost as to what is happening as the hapless cast. But even then, despite a few Easter eggs for Slusho and Tagruato, nothing in the virals is referenced in any meaningful way. And if you were looking forward to finding out what the title means, you will be disappointed.

At 97 minutes, some may consider it a bit short. But considering the relentless pacing and handheld style, I thought it felt like at least twice that length. As I said at the start, this movie is intense. Don't let the relatively small budget fool you--Cloverfield is jam-packed with incredible suspense, heart pounding action sequences, and emotional plot twists at every turn. I found my neck stiff afterwards due to being left in a constant state of on-edge alertness, always looking for another brief glimpse of the creature.

An unforgettable in-theater experience, it felt like I was really watching something special. Expect people to still be talking about it for many years to come.

Cloverfield - Directed by Matt Reeves
Rated PG-13 for intense action sequences, some shocking gore, and mild language.

Rating: 4.5 / 5 (9/10, 90%)

The K-Files - Cloverfield Preview

I am just a sucker for viral advertising.

It worked with Halo 3, it worked with Snakes on a Plane, and by God it's working with Cloverfield. By now I'm sure that you've seen the ads for it. From Lost producer JJ Abrams, Cloverfield promises to revitalize the modern monster movie genre and give to America what Japan got with Godzilla. Only the catch is that no one knows what the monster looks like yet. A carefully guarded Hollywood secret, the nature of the Cloverfield monster is being kept hidden until the movie's release this Friday.

Step into this part 1 of 2 look at the mystery and hype surrounding this sure to be blockbuster...Full Article.

Better late than never, here are Khyron's picks for the Top 10 movies of 2007. As with last year, I would like to remind my readers that the list will be mostly limited to films in the genres of sci-fi, action, horror, and drama because, well...those are the movies I tend to go see.

This list will begin with number 10 and move down to my favorite, number 1 movie of 2007.

10. 3:10 To Yuma

Christian Bale + Russell Crowe + western = good times. Some of the best gun-play shootouts I have ever seen. Full Review.

9. The Simpsons Movie

I had my doubts, but The Simpsons Movie was everything this long time fan could have hoped for. Full Review.

8. 300

Not as good as its graphic novel source material (but then when is it ever?), Zach Snyder's 300 is a groundbreaking work of stylized filmmaking that might just go down as the new The Matrix when it comes to influencing action films to come. Full Review.

7. Eastern Promises

I didn't get a chance to see this one in theaters, but I decided to pick it up on the now ill fated HD-DVD format. Powerful stuff. Full frontal Viggo Mortenson aside, Eastern Promises is one of the more thoughtful (if not brutal) mobster movies in years. Also a plus is that it focuses on the lesser covered Russian mob.

6. Sunshine

Slower paced and highly imaginative, Sunshine is a welcome change from the usual summer blockbusters being hyped as sci-fi classics nowadays. The final act still doesn't sit well with me, but some of the shots in this film are nothing short of unforgettable. Full Review.

5. Zodiac

A new-age crime drama classic, David Fincher's Zodiac is a prime example of meticulous storytelling and attention to detail. It's long, it's talky...but damn is it good. Full Review.

4. Hot Fuzz

Shaun of the Dead is a classic, Hot Fuzz is close. More of the same witty dialog and movie references that made Shaun funny, only the plot gets overly complicated. Full Review.

3. The Bourne Ultimatum

I'm not sure what movie I saw, but my initial review was far too harsh on it. After a 2nd viewing, I now consider this easily the best of the trilogy and straight up one of the best spy dramas of all time. The pacing in this film is just breathtaking. Full Review.

2. No Country For Old Men

A critic and fan favorite, No Country For Old Men is a gripping crime narrative featuring easily one of the best villains in cinema history. Violent, thought provoking, and utterly entertaining, its one of the Coen Brothers' best. Full Review.

1. Grindhouse

Odds are you didn't see this movie. Shame on you. Each part of this double feature is now available on DVD, but it's just not the same without the fake trailers and in-theater experience. With names like Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Rob Zombie, Eli Roth, Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, Michael Biehn, Danny Trejo, Kurt Russell, Josh Brolin, Nicholas Cage, and Bruce Willis attached to it, it's enough for any cult movie junkie to overdose on cool. Full Review.

Now I leave you with the movies that didn't quite make the list, plus my pick for worst film of 2007. The following are the rest of the movies I saw, but didn't make the top 10 list:

-Live Free or Die Hard
-The Kingdom
-28 Weeks Later
-I Am Legend
-Halloween
-Beowulf
-30 Days of Night
-Resident Evil Extinction
-Shoot 'Em Up

And now finally, the worst movie of 2007:

-Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem

What a complete disappointment. Despite so many promises that the Strause brothers were going to make good on all the crappiness that was Paul Anderson's AvP, they somehow managed to make a worse film. Crap characters, junk plot, and retardation throughout, it made me embarrassed to be an Alien and Predator fan. Full Review.

~Khyron 2008

The K-Files - Review: 2007

Just when you thought you'd seen the last of me, Khyron returns for 2008!

2007...what a piece of crap. Yeah, you heard me. 2007 sucked the big one. From things in my personal life to developments in the entertainment and esoteric medias, it was 365 days of disappointments on top of let downs. Get your beating sticks, it's paddling time.

I'm sure you all are as sick of 2007 retrospectives as I am, but guess what? It's time for another one...Full Article.

Review: Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem - Directed by the Brothers Strause
Rated R for violence and language

How does one choose between two steaming and equally rancid piles of shit? No matter which you choose, you're still stuck holding a runny mess. I never thought I'd be saying this, but after seeing Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem, I think I like Paul WS Anderson's 2004 AvP more.

In AvP-R, the war between two of cinema's most recognizable aliens continues. After a hybrid 'predalien' causes a predator space ship to crash land outside a small Colorado town, escaped facehuggers quickly go to work turning the village residents into hosts for alien chestbursters. After receiving his comrades distress signal, however, a lone predator badass races to Earth to clean the mess up. A shit storm soon develops.

What a cluster-fuck of a movie this is. I have honestly never felt so simultaneously disgusted, bored, and confused during any movie in recent memory. In nearly every possible way, AvP-R was a complete failure and an all time low for both of these veteran and fan-favorite franchises.

During production, the directing duo of brothers Colin and and Greg Strause assured fans that their take on the AvP mythos would be everything that Paul Anderson's movie wasn't. So let's see how they compare:

~Characters.

In their respective movies, both the Alien and Predator franchises have featured some of the most recognizable and memorable characters of any scifi/horror/action film. From Sigourney Weaver's Ripley to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dutch, the human characters have been a staple of greatness. In AvP-R, the cast is a soul numbing collection of unlikable cliches from an angsty teenage pizza delivery boy to a returning convict with a troubled past. In comparison, AvP's cast of private security, oil drillers, and archaeologists at least provided the predators some worth competition. Although neither AvP film had a cast on par with any others in the series, AvP-R was by far the worst for the inclusion of little kids and a teen drama side plot.

~Dialog.

Both film's dialog blows chunks. In this respect, they are a tie in crappiness.

~Setting.

AvP had a transformable pyramid in Antarctica. AvP-R had the sewers and forest of a small town. Both get negative points for taking place on current-day Earth, but between the two I'd say AvP has an edge for at least trying to capture the look and feel of the comics.

~Violence.

The Alien and Predator films are no stranger to violence. So many fans were turned off to AvP then for taking the PG-13 route and featuring a 'clean' (i.e. bloodless) chestburster scene. AvP-R attempts to rectify this by throwing in as many unnecessary gore shots as possible. Aliens meets gore porn? No thank you.

~Effects.

Say what you will about Paul Anderson's AvP, but the man-in-a-suit shots of the alien creature were some of the best the franchise has ever seen. Also, it featured the return of the alien queen. AvP-R relies more heavily on CGI and features the ribbed-head design for the alien featured in Aliens. However, they look far cheaper and less threatening than James Cameron's creatures. The Stauses are no Stan Winston. Though on the plus side, the predator in AvP-R looks less like a football linebacker compared to AvP.

I'm not quite sure how they managed to pull it off, but AvP-R is the worst possible AvP story imaginable. To think that these monsters were once directed by icons the likes of Ridley Scott and James Cameron makes me physically ill. AvP-R is an ulcer-inducing waste dump of childish storytelling, amateurish filmmaking, and franchise killing mindlessness that is only marginally more enjoyable than being kicked in the gonads.

Rating: 2 / 5 (4/10, 40%)